I can't keep up

I recently heard a mom say that.  She was tired, she was frustrated and one little act on the part of her children brought her to tears.  It wasn't about the act itself, it was what it represented, this greater feeling of trying to do it all and not having the time, energy, ability.

Sound or feel familiar?  It sure did for me.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I attempt to keep up with my children they put things in electrical sockets, write on the wall, take off all their clothes and run around the house naked (okay, maybe just one of them...), go down the slide in to the 12 ft end of the pool when they can't swim and have to have the lifeguard pull them out, or stuff as many marshmellows in their mouth as they can because they wanted a "snack", and a whole slew of things I'm sure I don't even know about.

But here is what I think is the kicker on this subject.  Just as I know some of you are nodding along, mentally adding your own personal stories, I can hear the people saying "well I would never let them do that" or "I would never let them get away with that" or "I watch my children better than that".

News flash.  I like my children safe, I do everything in my power to keep them safe but things happen.  I have to use the restroom, I have to blink.  And newsflash, a couple of marshmallows won't ruin my child to a lifetime of obesity and health issues.  And newsflash, anyone who thinks they are a better parent than I, I congratulate them, you probably are, but I'm doing the best I can.

What channel did you end up on?

A couple of weeks ago I pried myself away from the computer early enough to go upstairs, lie in bed and mindlessly watch a tv show.  It doesn't happen often, I normally work well in to the night but that night the stars aligned or something. 

So I picked what I wanted to watch, punched in that channel and settled back to enjoy an hour of not thinking.  The commercial on was about hair care products of some sort or another.

So I sat watching them tell me how I was ruining my hair, and probably my life, by using shampoo and how even blonds (which I'm not) can have shiny hair if you just use this product.  Admittedly I was pretty engrossed, I mean look at how great my hair could look!  And I would probably become a movie star like the movie star vouching for this product and I would feel great and wonderful and all because I figured out I was ruining my hair with shampoo and there is a better product out there!

Brilliant! 

But wait... this commercial has been going on for like 10 minutes a voice in my head said through the awesome hair daze.  What? 

Sure enough, I had type in the wrong number or I had hit the remote and it had gone up or down a channel.  And instead of watching a show I was watching a former 90210 star tell me about my hair.  Huh. 

It was a pretty innocent mistake and pretty easily fixed but I wonder how often in life do we take a small turn, a small detour, so minute we don't even realize we're doing it and yet it is shaping the way we think in ways we never intended.  My hair is fine, no perfect, not movie star quality, but it is fine, there is nothing "wrong" with it.  But I was ready to buy, to spend an extreme amount of money on their non shampoo, what would have happened if I had stayed on that channel for another 10 or 15 minutes?  What is happening to us because we're staying on the detour any longer than we should?

How do you find balance?

I'll admit it.  I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I have three wonderful children that require and deserve more than I feel I can give them and I have my own business that only thrives when I give it my all.

I love both.  I truly do.  In two completely different ways.  But lately work has left me drained, with not a lot for my children.  It makes me sad.  This is not the person I want to be.  This is not the mom I want to be. 

And these feelings are riddled with guilt.  Guilt about what I wish I could give my children.  Guild about what I'm not doing for my business.  Guilt that I'm feeling guilty about both. 

Its a slippery slope my friends.  This guilt is full of other emotions - sadness, jealousy, anger, disapproval, self-doubt... 

And it is also full of what ifs "what if my husband got a better job" or "what if we moved" or "what if I started setting my alarm for 4 a.m. so I could work for 3 solid house before the kids got up..." 

Or what if I accepted that there is no perfect parent, that we're all doing the best we can and at the end of the day that isn't so bad. 

We need to talk?

I'm not a horribly straight forward person, not as much as I would like to be.  I'm working on it, every year I resolve to be better and sometime I am and sometimes I lie awake at 3 a.m. being eaten alive by whatever I'm thinking about it.  Truly it is about 50/50, can go either way.

So here's the thing.  I've got something on my mind.  It it has been on my mind off and on for probably a year or so now.

Its one of those potentially life changing, major change ideas.  But see, the change isn't exactly mine, indirectly it is but its not up to me.

I think this idea has the potential to change our lives, potentially in a really good and much needed way, I'm just not too sure how to approach the topic.  I don't want the other person to go defensive, I want them to hear me out and think about it.

So I've been working on talking to God about it.  See my previous post to see what I mean.

It has been going something like:
Me: God, do you want me to really think about this?
God: yes...
Me: God, do you want me to bring it up to this person?
God: yes...
Me: Now?
God: no, not yet...

*sigh* for as bad as I am at speaking up, I'm even worse at waiting but for this I will listen to God, I will wait, and I will keep asking when is a good time, when he has prepared the other person's heart and  I know in my heart he will let me know.

Houston, I have a Problem

Life is made up of relationships.  I have an intense relationship with my husband, an unconditional relationship my children, a relationship of love and need with my parents, I have relationships with friends that I wish I saw more and some people that I wish I saw less of.  I have relationships with teachers, instructors, doctors, grocers, painters and other professionals.  Yet there is one relationship that I'm embarrassed to admit is not what I'd like it to be.

My relationship with God. 

Frankly it is pretty one-sided.  I sure do talk to Him a lot, but I do not listen.  I do not pause and wait to hear His voice.  I pray, I cry out, I thank Him but rarely do I stop and wait to hear his response.

But I know this is not the place I want to be.  This is not a place of peace or all that our relationship can be.  I want to not only talk to God, but I want him to answer me.  I want him to guide me.  I want to be just as engaged in this relationship as I am with any other.  Perhaps even more.

So I've begun trying to work on being quiet, of just listening, hearing what he has to say.  I ask him his thoughts on a subject, should I do this or that, or I open my Bible and ask him what I should read.  And guess what?  There is a quiet voice whispering back to me, not always, not about everything, but that's okay.  I know God is bringing me through something and he sometimes he needs to tell me something and sometimes he needs me to figure it out in some other way. 

I love Christmas

I know, I know, it is July 17th but truth be told, I love Christmas and I'm already planning for this year's Christmas because I hate the last minute, gotta get it done, no thought put in to it rush that Christmas time can produce.  I like to know that the presents are taken care of with thought and care.  I also like to know that January isn't going to produce a credit card bill we cannot afford. 

So if you're still with me here and haven't written me off as crazy I've decided I want to make a Christmas present for each child this year, maybe even my husband, we'll see.  My most recent love affair with blogs is over at Twelve Crafts till Christmas  She does some really cute things and I love seeing what she is up to!

So for my younger two (who will be 2 and days away from 5) at Christmas time I thinking her mail carrier kit.  Seriously, how cute is this? 

But that leaves my 8 year old.  I'm thinking maybe a pillow pet because you know, advertising works and he'd love one like his brother's.

And despite Elizabeth's funny mussings on her attempt to make one there is not a pattern to be found.

May have to start blog stalking someone else to find one. :)

Merry Christmas everyone.

3D Glasses Required

I hate our HOA.  I truly do.  And hate is not a word I use lightly, I don't say I hate people, food, etc because I think it is just too strong of a word to flippantly throw around.  But my HOA, wow, they invoke such strong reaction from me! 

Earlier this year we got a letter from them.  The cute little swing set that lives in our backyard and has for the past years was contraband, true story.  You're not allowed to erect a 3-swing/1-slide swing set in our neighborhood without PERMISSION.  Say what?

So we jumped through all their hoops, drew up a "plan" for a swingset, got neighborhood signatures, turned it only to have our HOA lose that sucker.  Yup, gone. 

So on the 2nd of July we got a letter, we were instructed to paint our house or possibly incur $100 a day fines, we had 7 days - GO!  So I wrote a letter pleading for more time while we interview painters, pull a couple grand out of thin air and most importantly decide what color we want to paint. 

So today we interviewed the first possible painter.  My only question for them.  Can you paint "our  HOA sucks" on our garage door but only have it visible with 3D glasses? 

Please look for your 3D glasses in our Christmas card this year and happy viewing.